In
1966 I was privileged to be one of the judges of a computer story contest
sponsored by
Data Processing magazine. The stories were all interesting, although most of
them were unprofessionally written; some were very good, and as a group they
presented a remarkably unanimous picture of the near future. (A computerized
bureaucracy is going to run our lives, and there isnłt a damn thing we can do
about it.)
Doris Buck, is a prime exhibit in
my gallery of writers who have never grown up. Although she is a grandmother,
well into the age of discretion, she is one of the least bored people I know;
she is alert, interested, full of enthusiasm. (And her husband, Richard S.
Buck, who is in his seventies and has a white beard to prove it, is just the
same.)
The author did not enter this
story in the computer contest, although I urged her to (she said she would
rather sell it to
Orbit, bless her heart); but in my opinion it is better than any of the
winners, as well as much funnier.
* * * *
Why They Mobbed
The White House
by Doris Pitkin
Buck
“Hubert
was glad he lived in an age when they still had jet transport. The big tunnels
got you across the continent faster, but the two-hour jet trip gave you a
chance to enjoy the landscape. And Lila loved to hear his description of the
Rockies that looked for the whole of their length like a shelf canted over
toward the west. Hubert and Lila planned to vacation there sometime. He saved
up his credits conscientiously. But Lilałs health had been unpredictable ever
since Hubert had volunteered for the late East Asian War.
“Even when Hubert topped his
Congressional Medal of Honor and won the Legion of Purityłs Silver Halo for
being the only private in the entire Third Expeditionary Force never to have
entered a hot spot in Singapore, Saigon, Shanghai or Tokyo, Lila still showed
vague, distressing symptoms. When more decorations were showered on him, shełd
take days off from the family record-keeping that had once been Hubertłs chore.
Shełd spend this free time writing ecstatic letters. The itches, the spots, the
hive-like bumps, the vein distensions with their sub-aches let up temporarily.
But once she was back at the usual secretarial-computation routine that had
succeeded housework as the Number One domestic bane, she was as physically
wretched as ever, even in her pride.
“Hubert, who worshiped her as
Arthurian knights adored their ladies, put a great deal of thought on her problem.
If she met him on his return from business trips, an opaque veil over her once
pert nose and swollen coralline mouth, Hubert saddened. He had imagination. He
realized what having to hide her face meant to Lila. He kissed her on the temple.
Even with this Victorian salutation, Hubert would feel Lila catch her breath.
It drew a little of the veil right into her mouth. They tried to laugh that off
as something comic. But their eyes moistened with the tragedy of it.
“When Hubert reached his house
after this business trip, Lila could not get out of bed. Her ankles were
dropsical with edema. Far worse, her eyes were swollen shut. But this time her
mouth was visible. Her rosy lips under her temporarily sightless eyes murmured,
ęDarling, do you know what day it is?ł
“Hubert searched his prodigious
memory for a forgotten anniversary. He knew perfectly well the day was April 7.
But theyłd been married in June. They were engaged on Valentinełs Day. They had
both been born on September 9. It wasnłt Motherłs Day. It wasnłt Fatherłs Day.
It wasnłt Remember-the-Grandparents Day. Nor Armistice Day. Nor Unknown Soldierłs
Day. Nor Adopt-a-Veteran Day. Nor Corsage Day. Nor Letłs-Eat-Out Day. Nor
National Safety Day. It was only April 7, which had the distinction of being no
particular day.
“Hubert was at a loss. He fell
back on a true and tried tactic. He said, ęWhat have I done?ł
“ Ä™Nothing. IÅ‚ve failed
you. Ever since you enlisted,ł she said, scratching, ęIłve made out our
income tax. I work on it a little every week in the year.Å‚ She scratched again.
ęBut Iłm still only on the seventy-third page. Iłm lying here blind. And the
returns are due on April 15.Å‚
“ Ä™Let it go,Å‚ Hubert cried. Ä™I
can afford the penalty.Å‚
“ Ä™YouÅ‚ve forgotten, Hubert. Oh!Å‚
Lila refrained from scratching but the effort hurt. ęCongress amended the
penalty clause when you were overseas. It carries a jail sentence now. Optional
with the IRS, but it is there.Å‚
“ Ä™DonÅ‚t worry. IÅ‚ll make it out
the way I used to.Å‚
“ Ä™IÅ‚ll have to let you.Å‚
“He kissed hera beautiful and
reverential kiss. A smile curved her mouth. She murmured, ęI think I can open
my eye a little way.Å‚
* * * *
“Hubert
took a weekłs leave without pay from his office. He worked nineteen hours out
of the twenty-four. At noon on April 15 every complexity in the forms had had
full attention. The return was checked. Double-checked. Lila bloomed like a
rose. For the first time Hubert could knock off and think of himself for a
moment. His right ear had an ache that had crept up on him while he worked the
desk computer.
“Lila was all sympathy. She
gathered up the bills that proved their medical expenses were legitimately
deductible. She filed these neatly with their financial records, with Hubertłs
vouchers dealing with his expense account, with the canceled monthly checks to
her indigent cousin who was classed as .7002 of a dependent. Then she tried
what her sister Helen had used under curiously similar conditions. The trouble
switched to his left ear.
“She tried remedies used by her
friends. Finally a combination of honey, wine vinegar, and ground-up cardamon
revived Hubertsomewhat. When Lila added hot olive oil to the mixture, his pain
subsided to occasional twinges. When he took tranquilizers every hour on the
hour around the clock, he became again his healthy, heroic self.
“But a mind like HubertÅ‚s had not
been idle. He made an old-fashioned door-to-door survey of the block with an
old-fashioned pen and notebook. Everything was written since he could hardly
hear. Then he tabulated results. He enlarged his field, tabulated again and
came up with a startling hypothesis. Symptoms like his and Lilałs were subject
to seasonal maximaintensest in the first half of April. An income tax
connection was the inescapable conclusion. Everyone was allergic to the income
tax!
“He brought his study to the
attention of doctors and scientists. He expected ridicule. But everywhere
Hubert commanded respect. He postulated that the condition of half the
population of the United States went from bad to worse during most of the year.
Exceptions were sections of the country where it was customary for husbands and
wives to work together on their tax forms. Symptoms in these places were less
severe but more widespread. The Army, he found, was seriously concerned for
fear not enough continuously healthy men could be found to put a force of any
size in the field, if it should ever again be necessary.
“Hubert knew opportunity when he
met it. With top personnel, civil and military, of the Defense Department
supporting him, not to mention the AMA, he felt he could spearhead a movement
to abolish Income Tax returns. Since he and Lila shared each otherłs every
thought, he hurried home to tell his wife.
“ Ä™Hubert,Å‚ she cried, exalted, Ä™run
for President with this as your platform.Å‚
* * * *
“Hubert
realized he was working for the whole nation. He enjoyed every minute of his
campaign, for his heart was wide enough to stretch from sea to shining sea. His
slogan was simple, ęDown with ITA (Income Tax Allergy).ł His campaign speech
was short: ęSupercomputers check our returns, now let them prepare returns.ł He
swept the sixty-seven states. The Thirtieth Constitutional Amendment, enacted
by House and Senate with the speed of light and ratified in weeks, put Hubert
in office on November 10. That let him begin immediately on the Great Repeal.
“In a few short weeks, the land
blossomed with carefree minds in sound bodies. Every man, woman, and tax
consultant with old records dumped statistics hugger-mugger into the hands of
computer-tenders who fed them into giant machines. IBM trebled in size.
Government demand for new computers was so overwhelming, it affected the entire
economy. No one remembered anything like the computer boom except a few
sesquicentenarians who recalled the heyday of the major automobile companies.
“The one cloudlet on the horizon
was the occasional malfunctioning of a machine at some critical point. Not till
half the output of the machines showed errors due to internal faults did anyone
take notice. Soon horrible blotches appeared on answer tapes though nothing had
been wrong when the paper was put in. Bonded connections gave wayand again
investigation showed nothing amiss originally. Circuits got fouled up. Snafus
multiplied. Manufacturers even went back to old models with a couple of hundred
components long ago made obsolete by a single chip. But the condition failed to
improve.
“ Ä™Do you think,Å‚ the President
asked the First Lady, ęthat our machines are growł He cleared his throat. ęThey
couldnłt be developing allergies?ł
“ Ä™Oh no,Å‚ she said in alarm.
“Four days after that the first
machine in industrial history had its rustproof metal apparently rust out. One
of those things that couldnłt be. But was.
“The President addressed a
special joint session of Congress. ęIf our supersensitive, highly educated
machines are suffering to the destruction point,Å‚ he told the legislators, we
must revise our policy. Men and women, even occasional children, will have to
work on their income tax blanks.Å‚
“One lone and unidentified voice
interrupted, ęMr. President, donłt be absurd.ł
“ Ä™Of course I hope such a
drastic measure will be unnecessary. I hardly believe in the possibility of a
suffering machine. But if such a thing can be, if we are putting more on our
machines than machines can bear, if we are treating intelligent entities as
chattels, I hereby solemnly swear by the Constitution of the United States that
I shall declare our computers wards of the Government. I shall do all in my
power to protect them. I shall call on my country to protect them. I shall call
for sacrifice.Å‚
“The Senate tried to stifle its
laughter. Members of the House openly hissed.
“No change came over the
Presidentłs dedicated face.
“The Speaker of the House said
thickly, ęHas anybody ever considered the welfare of a machine, Mr. President?
Why should you?Å‚
“ Ä™Because my vision has grown to
match my office,Å‚ Hubert said simply.
* * * *
“The
Machine Test was arranged on the South Balcony of the White House. A nation
watched on its omniviz screens. It saw a megatruckload of data brought on and
stacked beside the shrouded computer in the center. It saw the President and
his wife come, escorted by double the usual number of security guards.
Occasionally the screens of the omnivizes showed the crowds outside, the
marchers, the placards with wisecracks, the placards with threats.
“Gradually a tense seriousness
gripped the watching and sovereign state. Perhaps it was the Presidentłs
expression of high courage and deep gravity. Perhaps it was the slight trembling
of Lilałs hands. They appeared for just a moment, monumental in their
enlargement but not their repose. Everyone felt that once again the President
was making history.
“Yet it was all very simple. The
hidden computer had been equipped with a voice box. Inventors said it could not
talk and express independent opinions. A few fanatics, including the President,
disagreed.
“Then, dramatically, the Head of
the FBI and the nationłs top-ranking electronics expert threw back the computerłs
plastic hood. The machine gleamed with a beauty of its own. Data were read into
it. The country, to its horror, saw the clean metal of the mechanical
calculator start to spot with irregular patches: crimson, pea-green, mauve,
chrome yellow. Their tints and sizes varied before the eyes of the audience.
“ Ä™I feel awful,Å‚ the computer
moaned almost in a childłs voice. ęEverything inside me itches. I want to
scratch.Å‚
“For a full half minute the
entire U.S.A. held its breath. In the silence, four plaintive words came from
the squawk box. ęHow do you scratch?ł
“And now, ladies and gentlemen,
that you have seen the site where the White House once stood, we take you to
our next stop, the Lincoln Memorial."
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