THE MEN WHO
MURDERED
MOHAMMED
Alfred Bester
There was a man who mutilated history. He toppled empires
and uprooted dynasties. Because of him, Mount Vernon should not
be a national shrine, and Columbus, Ohio, should be called Cabot,
Ohio. Because of him the name Marie Curie should be cursed in
France, and no one should swear by the beard of the Prophet.
Actually, these realities did not happen, because he was a mad
professor; or, to put it another way, he only succeeded in making
them unreal for himself.
Now, the patient reader is too familiar with the conventional
mad professor, undersized and overbrowed, creating monsters in
his laboratory which invariably turn on their maker and menace his
lovely daughter. This story isn t about that sort of make-believe
man. It s about Henry Hassel, a genuine mad professor in a class
with such better-known men as Ludwig Boltzmann (see Ideal Gas
Law), Jacques Charles, and Andr Marie AmpŁre (1775-1836).
Everyone ought to know that the electrical ampere was so
named in honor of AmpŁre. Ludwig Boltzmann was a
distinguished Austrian physicist, as famous for his research on
black-body radiation as on Ideal Gases. You can look him up in
Volume Three of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, BALT to BRAI.
Jacques Alexandre Csar Charles was the first mathematician to
become interested in flight, and he invented the hydrogen balloon.
These were real men.
They were also real mad professors. AmpŁre, for example,
was on his way to an important meeting of scientists in Paris. In
his taxi he got a brilliant idea (of an electrical nature, I assume) and
whipped out a pencil and jotted the equation on the wall of the
hansom cab. Roughly, it was: dH = ipdl/r2 in which p is the
perpendicular distance from Ń to the line of the element dl; or dH
= i sin Ł dl/r2. This is sometimes known as Laplace s Law,
although he wasn t at the meeting.
Anyway, the cab arrived at the Acadmie. AmpŁre jumped
out, paid the driver and rushed into the meeting to tell everybody
about his idea. Then he realized he didn t have the note on him,
remembered where he d left it, and had to chase through the streets
of Paris after the taxi to recover his runaway equation. Sometimes I
imagine that s how Fermat lost his famous Last Theorem,
although Fermat wasn t at the meeting either, having died some
two hundred years earlier.
Or take Boltzmann. Giving a course in Advanced Ideal
Gases, he peppered his lectures with involved calculus, which he
worked out quickly and casually in his head. He had that kind of
head. His students had so much trouble trying to puzzle out the
math by ear that they couldn t keep up with the lectures, and they
begged Boltzmann to work out his equations on the blackboard.
Boltzmann apologized and promised to be more helpful in
the future. At the next lecture he began, Gentlemen, combining
Boyle s Law with the Law of Charles, we arrive at the equation pv
= po vo (1 + at). Now, obviously, if aSb = f (x) dx(a), then pv = RT
and vS f (x,y,z) dV = 0. It s as simple as two plus two equals four.
At this point Boltzman remembered his promise. He turned to the
blackboard, conscientiously chalked 2 + 2 = 4, and then breezed
on, casually doing the complicated calculus in his head.
Jacques Charles, the brilliant mathematician who discovered
Charles s Law (sometimes known as Gay-Lussac s Law), which
Boltzmann mentioned in his lecture, had a lunatic passion to
become a famous paleographer that is, a discoverer of ancient
manuscripts. I think that being forced to share credit with
Gay-Lussac may have unhinged him.
He paid a transparent swindler named Vrain-Lucas 200,000
francs for holograph letters purportedly written by Julius Caesar,
Alexander the Great, and Pontius Pilate. Charles, a man who could
see through any gas, ideal or not, actually believed in these
forgeries despite the fact that the maladroit Vrain-Lucas had
written them in modern French on modern notepaper bearing
modern watermarks. Charles even tried to donate them to the
Louvre.
Now, these men weren t idiots. They were geniuses who paid
a high price for their genius because the rest of their thinking was
other-world. A genius is someone who travels to truth by an
unexpected path. Unfortunately, unexpected paths lead to disaster
in everyday life. This is what happened to Henry Hassel, professor
of Applied Compulsion at Unknown University in the year 1980.
Nobody knows where Unknown University is or what they
teach there. It has a faculty of some two hundred eccentrics, and a
student body of two thousand misfits the kind that remain
anonymous until they win Nobel prizes or become the First Man
on Mars. You can always spot a graduate of U.U. when you ask
people where they went to school. If you get an evasive reply like:
State, or Oh, a freshwater school you never heard of, you can
bet they went to Unknown. Someday I hope to tell you more about
this university, which is a center of learning only in the Pickwickian
sense.
Anyway, Henry Hassel started home from his office in the
Psychotic Psenter early one afternoon, strolling through the
Physical Culture arcade. It is not true that he did this to leer at the
nude coeds practicing Arcane Eurythmics; rather, Hassel liked to
admire the trophies displayed in the arcade in memory of great
Unknown teams which had won the sort of championships that
Unknown teams win in sports like Strabismus, Occlusion, and
Botulism. (Hassel had been Frambesia singles champion three
years running.) He arrived home uplifted, and burst gaily into the
house to discover his wife in the arms of a man.
There she was, a lovely woman of thirty-five, with smoky red
hair and almond eyes, being heartily embraced by a person whose
pockets were stuffed with pamphlets, microchemical apparatus,
and a patella-reflex hammer a typical campus character of U.U.,
in fact. The embrace was so concentrated that neither of the
offending parties noticed Henry Hassel glaring at them from the
hallway.
Now, remember AmpŁre and Charles and Boltzmann. Hassel
weighed one hundred and ninety pounds. He was muscular and
uninhibited. It would have been child s play for him to have
dismembered his wife and her lover, and thus simply and directly
achieve the goal he desired the end of his wife s life. But Henry
Hassel was in the genius class; his mind just didn t operate that
way.
Hassel breathed hard, turned and lumbered into his private
laboratory like a freight engine. He opened a drawer labeled
DUODENUM and removed a .45-caliber revolver. He opened
other drawers, more interestingly labeled, and assembled apparatus.
In exactly seven and one half minutes (such was his rage), he put
together a time machine (such was his genius).
Professor Hassel assembled the time machine around him, set
the dial for 1902, picked up the revolver and pressed a button. The
machine made a noise like defective plumbing and Hassel
disappeared. He reappeared in Philadelphia on June 3, 1902, went
directly to No. 1218 Walnut Street, a red-brick house with marble
steps, and rang the bell. A man who might have passed for the
third Smith Brother opened the door and looked at Henry Hassel.
Mr. Jessup? Hassel asked in a suffocated voice.
Yes?
You are Mr. Jessup?
I am.
You will have a son, Edgar? Edgar Allan Jessup so named
because of your regrettable admiration for Poe?
The third Smith Brother was startled. Not that I know of,
he said. I m not married yet.
You will be, Hassel said angrily. I have the misfortune to
be married to your son s daughter. Greta. Excuse me. He raised
the revolver and shot his wife s grandfather-to-be.
She will have ceased to exist, Hassel muttered, blowing
smoke out of the revolver. I ll be a bachelor. I may even be
married to somebody else& Good God! Who?
Hassel waited impatiently for the automatic recall of the time
machine to snatch him back to his own laboratory. He rushed into
his living room. There was his redheaded wife, still in the arms of a
man.
Hassel was thunderstruck.
So that s it, he growled. A family tradition of faithlessness.
Well, we ll see about that. We have ways and means. He permitted
himself a hollow laugh, returned to his laboratory, and sent himself
back to the year 1901, where he shot and killed Emma Hotchkiss,
his wife s maternal grandmother-to-be. He returned to his own
home in his own time. There was his redheaded wife, still in the
arms of another man.
But I know the old bitch was her grandmother, Hassel
muttered. You couldn t miss the resemblance. What the hell s
gone wrong?
Hassel was confused and dismayed, but not without
resources. He went to his study, had difficulty picking up the
phone, but finally managed to dial the Malpractice Laboratory. His
finger kept oozing out of the dial holes.
Sam? he said. This is Henry.
Who?
Henry.
You ll have to speak up.
Henry Hassel!
Oh, good afternoon, Henry.
Tell me all about time.
Time? Hmmm& The Simplex-and-Multiplex Computer
cleared its throat while it waited for the data circuits to link up.
Ahem. Time. (1) Absolute. (2) Relative. (3) Recurrent. (1)
Absolute: period, contingent, duration, diurnity, perpetuity
Sorry, Sam. Wrong request. Go back. I want time, reference
to succession of, travel in.
Sam shifted gears and began again. Hassel listened intently.
He nodded. He grunted. Uh huh. Uh huh. Right. I see. Thought
so. A continuum, eh? Acts performed in past must alter future.
Then I m on the right track. But act must be significant, eh?
Mass-action effect. Trivia cannot divert existing phenomena
streams. Hmmm. But how trivial is a grandmother?
What are you trying to do, Henry?
Kill my wife, Hassel snapped. He hung up. He returned to
his laboratory. He considered, still in a jealous rage.
Got to do something significant, he muttered. Wipe Greta
out. Wipe it all out. All right, by God! I ll show em.
Hassel went back to the year 1775, visited a Virginia farm and
shot a young colonel in the brisket. The colonel s name was George
Washington, and Hassel made sure he was dead. He returned to his
own time and his own home. There was his redheaded wife, still in
the arms of another.
Damn! said Hassel. He was running out of ammunition. He
opened a fresh box of cartridges, went back in time and massacred
Christopher Columbus, Napoleon, Mohammed and half a dozen
other celebrities. That ought to do it, by God! said Hassel
He returned to his own time, and found his wife as before.
His knees turned to water; his feet seemed to melt into the
floor. He went back to his laboratory, walking through nightmare
quicksands.
What the hell is significant? Hassel asked himself painfully.
How much does it take to change futurity? By God, I ll really
change it this time. I ll go for broke.
He traveled to Paris at the turn of the twentieth century and
visited a Madame Curie in an attic workshop near the Sorbonne.
Madame, he said in his execrable French, I am a stranger to you
of the utmost, but a scientist entire. Knowing of your experiments
with radium Oh? You haven t got to radium yet? No matter. I
am here to teach you all of nuclear fission.
He taught her. He had the satisfaction of seeing Paris go up in
a mushroom of smoke before the automatic recall brought him
home. That ll teach women to be faithless, he growled&
Guhhh! The last was wrenched from his lips when he saw his
redheaded wife still But no need to belabor the obvious.
Hassel swam through fogs to his study and sat down to think.
While he s thinking I d better warn you that this not a conventional
time story. If you imagine for a moment that Henry is going to
discover that the man fondling his wife is himself, you re mistaken.
The viper is not Henry Hassel, his son, a relation, or even Ludwig
Boltzmann (1844 1906). Hassel does not make a circle in time,
ending where the story begins to the satisfaction of nobody and
the fury of everybody for the simple reason that time isn t
circular, or linear, or tandem, discoid, syzygous, longinquitous, or
pandicularted. Time is a private matter, as Hassel discovered.
Maybe I slipped up somehow, Hassel muttered. I d better
find out. He fought with the telephone, which seemed to weigh a
hundred tons, and at last managed to get through to the library.
Hello, Library? This is Henry.
Who?
Henry Hassel.
Speak up, please.
HENRY HASSEL!
Oh. Good afternoon, Henry.
What have you got on George Washington?
Library clucked while her scanners sorted through her
catalogues. George Washington, first president of the United
States, was born in
First president? Wasn t he murdered in 1775?
Really, Henry. That s an absurd question. Everybody knows
that George Wash
Doesn t anybody know he was shot?
By whom?
Me.
When?
In 1775.
How did you manage to do that?
I ve got a revolver.
No, I mean, how did you do it two hundred years ago?
I ve got a time machine.
Well, there s no record here, Library said. He still doing
fine in my files. You must have missed.
I did not miss. What about Christopher Columbus? Any
record of his death in 1489?
But he discovered the New World in 1492.
He did not. He was murdered in 1489.
How?
With a forty-five slug in the gizzard.
You again, Henry?
Yes.
There s no record here, Library insisted. You must be one
lousy shot.
I will not lose my temper, Hassel said in a trembling voice.
Why not, Henry?
Because it s lost already, he shouted. All right! What about
Marie Curie? Did she or did she not discover the fission bomb
which destroyed Paris at the turn of the century?
She did not. Enrico Fermi
She did.
She didn t.
I personally taught her. Me. Henry Hassel.
Everybody says you re a wonderful theoretician, but a lousy
teacher, Henry. You
Go to hell, you old biddy. This has got to be explained.
Why?
I forget. There was something on my mind, but it doesn t
matter now. What would you suggest?
You really have a time machine?
Of course I ve got a time machine.
Then go back and check.
Hassel returned to the year 1775, visited Mount Vernon, and
interrupted the spring planting. Excuse me, colonel, he began.
The big man looked at him curiously. You talk funny,
stranger, he said. Where you from?
Oh, a freshwater school you never heard of.
You look funny too. Kind of misty, so to speak.
Tell me, colonel, what do you hear from Christopher
Columbus?
Not much, Colonel Washington answered. Been dead two,
three hundred years.
When did he die?
Year fifteen hundred some-odd, near as I remember.
He did not. He died in 1489.
Got your dates wrong, friend. He discovered America in
1492.
Cabot discovered America. Sebastian Cabot.
Nope. Cabot came a mite later.
I have infallible proof! Hassel began, but broke off as a
stocky and rather stout man, with a face ludicrously reddened by
rage, approached. He was wearing baggy gray slacks and a tweed
jacket two sizes too small for him. He was carrying a .45 revolver.
It was only after he had stared for a moment that Henry Hassel
realized that he was looking at himself and not relishing the sight.
My God! Hassel murmured. It s me, coming back to
murder Washington that first time. If I d made this second trip an
hour later, I d have found Washington dead. Hey! he called. Not
yet. Hold off a minute. I ve got to straighten something out first.
Hassel paid no attention to himself; indeed, he did not appear
to be aware of himself. He marched straight up to Colonel
Washington and shot him in the gizzard. Colonel Washington
collapsed, emphatically dead. The first murderer inspected the
body, and then, ignoring Hassel s attempt to stop him and engage
him in dispute, turned and marched off, muttering venomously to
himself.
He didn t hear me, Hassel wondered. He didn t even feel
me. And why don t I remember myself trying to stop me the first
time I shot the colonel? What the hell is going on?
Considerably disturbed, Henry Hassel visited Chicago and
dropped into the Chicago University squash courts in the early
1940s. There, in a slippery mess of graphite bricks and graphite
dust that coated him, he located an Italian scientist named Fermi.
Repeating Marie Curie s work, I see, dottore? Hassel said.
Fermi glanced about as though he had heard a faint sound.
Repeating Marie Curie s work, dottore? Hassel roared.
Fermi looked at him strangely, where you from, amico?
State.
State Department?
Just State. It s true, isn t it, dottore, that Marie Curie
discovered nuclear fission back in nineteen ought ought?
No! No! No! Fermi cried. We are the first, and we are not
there yet. Police! Police! Spy!
This time I ll go on record, Hassel growled. He pulled out
his trusty .45, emptied it into Dr. Fermi s chest, and awaited arrest
and immolation in newspaper files. To his amazement, Dr. Fermi
did not collapse. Dr. Fermi merely explored his chest tenderly and,
to the men who answered his cry, said, It is nothing. I felt in my
within a sudden sensation of burn which may be a neuralgia of the
cardiac nerve, but is most likely gas.
Hassel was too agitated to wait for the automatic recall of the
time machine. Instead he returned at once to Unknown University
under his own power. This should have given him a clue, but he
was too possessed to notice. It was at this time that I (1913 1975)
first saw him a dim figure tramping through parked cars, closed
doors and brick walls, with the light of lunatic determination on his
face.
He oozed into the library, prepared for an exhaustive
discussion, but could not make himself felt or heard by the
catalogues. He went to the Malpractice Laboratory, where Sam, the
Simplex-and-Multiplex Computer, has installations sensitive up to
10,700 angstroms. Sam could not see Henry, but managed to hear
him through a sort of wave-interference phenomenon.
Sam, Hassel said. I ve made one hell of a discovery.
You re always making discoveries, Henry, Sam complained.
Your data allocation is filled. Do I have to start another tape for
you?
But I need advice. Who s the leading authority on time,
reference to succession of, travel in?
That would be Israel Lennox, spatial mechanics, professor
of, Yale.
How do I get in touch with him?
You don t, Henry. He s dead. Died in 75.
What authority have you got on time, travel in, living?
Wiley Murphy.
Murphy? From our own Trauma Department? That s a
break. Where is he now?
As a matter of fact, Henry, he went over to your house to ask
you something.
Hassel went home without walking, searched through his
laboratory and study without finding anyone, and at last floated
into the living room, where his redheaded wife was still in the arms
of another man. (All this, you understand, had taken place within
the space of a few moments after the construction of the time
machine; such is the nature of time and travel.) Hassel cleared his
throat once or twice and tried to tap his wife on the shoulder. His
fingers went through her.
Excuse me, darling, he said. Has Wiley Murphy been in to
see me?
Then he looked closer and saw that the man embracing his
wife was Murphy himself.
Murphy! Hassel exclaimed. The very man I m looking for.
I ve had the most extraordinary experience. Hassel at once
launched into a lucid description of his extraordinary experience,
which went something like this: Murphy, u v = (u vź) (ua + ux
+ vy) but when George Washington F (x)y+ dx and Enrico Fermi F
(u) dxdt one half of Marie Curie, then what about Christopher
Columbus times the square root of minus one?
Murphy ignored Hassel, as did Mrs. Hassel. I jotted down
Hassel s equations on the hood of a passing taxi.
Do listen to me, Murphy, Hassel said. Greta dear, would
you mind leaving us for a moment? I For heaven s sake, will you
two stop that nonsense? This is serious.
Hassel tried to separate the couple. He could no more touch
them than make them hear him. His face turned red again and he
became quite choleric as he beat at Mrs. Hassel and Murphy. It was
like beating an Ideal Gas. I thought it best to interfere.
Hassel!
Who s that?
Come outside a moment. I want to talk to you.
He shot through the wall. Where are you?
Over here.
You re sort of dim.
So are you.
Who are you?
My name s Lennox, Israel Lennox.
Israel Lennox, spatial mechanics, professor of, Yale?
The same.
But you died in 75.
I disappeared in 75.
What d you mean?
I invented a time machine.
By God! So did I, Hassel said. This afternoon. The idea
came to me in a flash I don t know why and I ve had the most
extraordinary experience. Lennox, time is not a continuum.
No?
It s a series of discrete particles like pearls on a string.
Yes?
Each pearl is a Now. Each Now has its own past and
future, but none of them relate to any others. You see? if a = a1 + a
ji + ax (b1)
2
Never mind the mathematics, Henry.
It s a form of quantum transfer of energy. Time is emitted in
discrete corpuscles or quanta. We can visit each individual
quantum and make changes within it, but no change in any one
corpuscle affects any other corpuscle. Right?
Wrong, I said sorrowfully.
What d you mean, Wrong ? he said, angrily gesturing
through the cleave of a passing coed. You take the trochoid
equations and
Wrong, I repeated firmly. Will you listen to me, Henry?
Oh, go ahead, he said.
Have you noticed that you ve become rather insubstantial?
Dim? Spectral? Space and time no longer affect you?
Yes?
Henry, I had the misfortune to construct a time machine
back in 75.
So you said. Listen, what about power input? I figure I m
using about 7.3 kilowatts per
Never mind the power input, Henry. On my first trip into
the past, I visited the Pleistocene. I was eager to photograph the
mastodon, the giant ground sloth, and the saber-tooth tiger. While
I was backing up to get a mastodon fully in the field of view at
f/6.3 at 1/100th of a second, or on the LVS scale
Never mind the LVS scale, he said.
While I was backing up, I inadvertently trampled and killed a
small Pleistocene insect.
Aha! said Hassel.
I was terrified by the incident. I had visions of returning to
my world to find it completely changed as a result of this single
death. Imagine my surprise when I returned to my world to find
that nothing had changed.
Oho! said Hassel.
I became curious. I went back to the Pleistocene and killed
the mastodon. Nothing was changed in 1975. I returned to the
Pleistocene and slaughtered the wildlife still with no effect. I
ranged through time, killing and destroying, in an attempt to alter
the present.
Then you did it just like me, Hassel exclaimed. Odd we
didn t run into each other.
Not odd at all.
I got Columbus.
I got Marco Polo.
I got Napoleon.
I thought Einstein was more important.
Mohammed didn t change things much I expected more
from him.
I know. I got him too.
What do you mean, you got him too? Hassel demanded.
I killed him September 16, 599. Old Style.
Why, I got Mohammed January 5, 598.
I believe you.
But how could you have killed him after I killed him?
We both killed him.
That s impossible.
My boy, I said, time is entirely subjective. It s a private
matter a personal experience. There is no such thing as objective
time, just as there is no such thing as objective love, or an objective
soul.
Do you mean to say that time travel is impossible? But
we ve done it.
To be sure, and many others, for all I know. But we each
travel into our own past, and no other person s. There is no
universal continuum, Henry. There are only billions of individuals,
each with his own continuum; and one continuum cannot affect
the other. We re like millions of strands of spaghetti in the same
pot. No time traveler can ever meet another time traveler in the
past or future. Each of us must travel up and down his own strand
alone.
But we re meeting each other now.
We re no longer time travelers, Henry. We ve become the
spaghetti sauce.
Spaghetti sauce?
Yes. You and I can visit any strand we like, because we ve
destroyed ourselves.
I don t understand.
When a man changes the past he only affects his own
past no one else s. The past is like memory. When you erase a
man s memory, you wipe him out, but you don t wipe out anybody
else s. You and I have erased our past. The individual worlds of the
others go on, but we have ceased to exist.
What d you mean, ceased to exist ?
With each act of destruction we dissolved a little. Now we re
all gone. We ve committed chronicide. We re ghosts. I hope Mrs.
Hassel will be very happy with Mr. Murphy& Now let s go over to
the Acadmie. AmpŁre is telling a great story about Ludwig
Boltzmann.
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