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Disenchanted Evenings
A Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Survival Guide
for Coping with the Male Species
By Barb Ewing and Maria Sude
First Edition
A Chance Press Book
http://chancepress.bizland.com
Published by Universal Publishers/
www.uPUBLISH.com, USA 2000
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Disenchanted Evenings
A Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Survival Guide
for Coping With the Male Species
By Barb Ewing and Maria Sude
Edited by Katina Z. Jones
Cover Design and book layout by
Ihor Gernaga of Third I Graphic Design
First Edition
A Chance Press Book
Published by Universal Publishers/
www.uPUBLISH.com, USA 2000
ISBN: 1-58112-753-7
www.upublish.com/books/sude.htm
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechani-
cal, including photocopying, recording or by any information
storage and retrieval system without written permission from
the authors, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in
a review.
Copyright, 2000, Barb Ewing and Maria Sude
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To all the men disguised as princes who turned out to be frogs.
Thanks for making this book possible.
We hope you make us rich enough to forget you!
Barb and Maria
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Foreword
I have no doubt that Divine Providence brought us together.
When Maria and I first met at a business briefing in January
1997, at the home of my former sister-in-law, somehow I just
knew we shared a common denominator.
First impressions definitely are lasting ones. Maria and I soon
became the best of friends and traveled together often on busi-
ness.What a formidable team we were she, the Beautiful
Brunette and I, the Blonde Bombshell. Ha!
It was on one of our journeys to Detroit that the idea for this
book was born.We had exchanged stories of our own, along
with stories we had heard from our girlfriends, of some frustrat-
ing and disappointing behaviors and other strange quirks of men
we had all either dated, married or divorced. It seemed as
though our friends had experienced many of the same trials and
tribulations that we had.
In the middle of rush-hour traffic on Interstate 75, I said, You
know, Maria, we should write a book. I quickly glanced her way
and could already see the wheels spinning in her head. Let s do
it! she said.
To our amazement and delight, the book evolved from a few
short quips and anecdotal excerpts into the finished product you
are now holding in your hands.Through synchronicity and at the
suggestion of a dear friend, we connected with our editor, Katina
Jones of Chance Press, and our printer, upublish.com. Katina took
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the notes of our book from an embryonic idea into organized,
polished, humorous reality. She quickly embraced the tongue-in-
cheek, wry humor that prevails throughout this book, recognizing
the girlfriend-to-girlfriend bond and support this book offers.
We were ecstatic! Finally, Disenchanted Evenings (which is the flip
side of Some Enchanted Evening, to be sure) was born.We are
delighted to share the dating and mating disasters that naturally
occur when you ve accidentally chosen a frog and not a prince.
We would especially like to acknowledge and thank our friends
for their input and loving support of this project.Without your
disaster stories, jokes, tips and anecdotes, this survival guide
would not have been possible.
I suppose we should also acknowledge the would-be princes
we ve known to be frogs at heart. It is because of your antics and
unbelievable behavior that this book even entered our minds.
Finally, we hope that as you read the following pages that you
come to the same realization that we did: Men truly are from
Mars. May the essence of our Sisterhood serve to sustain us all
as we experience our wild ride on this beautiful, otherwise
serene planet of Venus.
Barb Ewing and Maria Sude
January 2000
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Contents
Foreword
Part One:
In the Beginning ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 1
Part Two:
Getting to Know Men as They Really Are ~ ~ ~ ~ 7
Part Three:
A Peek Inside the Good Old Boys Club ~ ~ ~ ~ 29
Part Four:
The Riddles of the Male Species ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 49
Part Five:
Warning Labels and Survival Tips~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 67
Part Six:
Training Courses Available for Men ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 93
Part Seven:
Hope for the Future ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 99
Afterword
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Part One:
In the Beginning
1
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Man to God: Why did you make
woman so beautiful?
God to Man: So you would
love her.
Man to God: But, God, why did you
make her so dumb?
God to Man: So she would
love you.
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hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
God created man
before creating woman.
But doesn t
every artist need
a rough draft
before creating a masterpiece?
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Word Origins of the Major Problems
of Women:
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUY necology
HIM morrhoids
And they say it s all in our heads!
4
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Men are like fine wine.They
start out as grapes, and it s
our job to stomp them and
keep them in the dark until
they mature.
If we re lucky, they ll turn into
something we d like to have
dinner with sometime.
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This one s an oldie, but a goodie :
A husband, proving to his wife that
women talk more than men do, showed
her a study that indicated that men use
on average only 15,000 words per day.
Women, he said, use 30,000 words a
day proving that women talk more.
His wife thought about this for a while,
then explained the reason for the
difference.
Women use twice as many words as
men because they have to constantly
repeat everything they say, she said.
What? he said.
6
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Part Two:
Getting to Know Men
as They Really Are
7
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Men are like computers&
hard to figure out.
They never seem to have enough memory.
They also lose files and re-config constantly.
We need a manual to figure them out,
but usually even the manual doesn t make
sense.
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Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take
them anywhere.
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Men are like chocolate bars
sweet and smooth.
But they usually just head right down to
your hips.
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hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Men are like coffee:
The best ones are rich, warm and can
keep you up all night long!
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Men are like laxatives&
they can irritate the
crap out of you!
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Men are like horoscopes:
They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
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Men are like plungers:
They spend most of their lives in a hard-
ware store or the bathroom.
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Men are like cement:
After getting laid, they take a long time to
get hard.
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How are men like lawn-mowers?
They are hard to get started, emit foul
smells and don t work half of the time.
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Why do men find it difficult to
make eye contact?
Breasts don t have eyes.
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What s the difference between
men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
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Why are men like tile floors?
If you lay them right the first time, you can
walk all over them for years.
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How many men does it take to
change a toilet paper roll?
We don t know; it hasn t happened yet!
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How is a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he s coming, how
many inches you ll get or how long it
will last.
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What should you give a man
who s got everything?
Try a woman who will show him how to
work it.
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How does a man show he s
planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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What s the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to
see you.
24
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 25
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
What do you call a man with
half a brain?
Gifted.
25
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 26
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Why is it hard for women to
find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have
boyfriends.
26
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 27
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Single women complain that all the good
men are married.
Married women complain that their men
are lousy husbands.
Confirmation that there is no such thing
as a good man!
27
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 28
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 29
Part Three:
A Peek Inside the
Good Old Boys Club
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We have always known that men have
a private support group that helps
them stay, well& what they are. So, we
tracked down a good old boys club
meeting, and here s what we heard the
men pledge:
Because I m a guy, I must hold the televi-
sion remote control in my hand while I m
watching TV. If the thing has been mis-
placed, I ll miss a whole show looking for
it though I may be able to survive by
holding a calculator.
30
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 31
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, when I lock my keys in
the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes
hanger and ignore my woman s suggestions
that we call a road service until long after
hypothermia has set in. When the car isn t
running well, I will pop the hood and stare
at the engine as if I know what I m looking
at. If another guy shows up, one of us will
say to the other, I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these com-
puters and everything, I wouldn t know
where to start. We will then drink beer.
31
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 32
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Because I m a guy, when I catch a cold, or
believe in my mind that I am sick, I will
need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
A woman won t get as sick as I do, so I
won t return the favor and will, in fact,
ignore my woman s need for attention
during her so-called illness or simply tell
her to get over it.
32
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 33
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, I cannot be relied upon
to purchase basic groceries such as milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like cumin or tofu. For all I know,
these things are one and the same. Also, I
will never, ever, under ANY circumstances
buy any feminine hygiene product for my
woman. It s bad enough I have to live with
PMS.
33
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 34
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Because I m a guy, when one of the appli-
ances stops working, I will insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just
cost me twice as much once the repair
person shows up and has to put it all back
together again.
34
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 35
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, I won t think we are
lost and, no, I won t think we should
stop and ask someone for directions. How
the heck will some stranger know where
we re going? (In the future, GPS tracking
systems will be standard on all cars and
trucks for men!)
35
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 36
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Because I m a guy, there is no need to ask
me what I m thinking about. The answer is
always either sex or sports. I will have to
make up something else when you insist on
asking, so just don t ask.
36
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 37
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, I do not want to visit
your mother, or have your mother come
visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother s Day is
fine I don t need to see it. ( Oh, and, by
the way, did you remember to pick up
something for my mom, too? )
37
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 38
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Because I m a guy, I am capable of
announcing, One more beer and I really
have to go and mean it every time I say
it even when one bar closes and my bud-
dies and I have to hunt down another one.
I will find it increasingly hilarious to have
my friends call you to tell you I ll be home
soon. No, I won t understand why you
threw my clothes in the front yard what s
the connection?
38
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 39
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, I will take out a second
mortgage on the house so I can purchase a
toy for myself boat, car, motorcycle,
etc. But don t expect me to spring for
something which you might need, like a
new washer & dryer or a new oven or
microwave.
39
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 40
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Because I m a guy, you don t have to ask
me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if
you re crying at the end of it, I m not.
There s an even better chance that you ll
have to wake me up once the movie is
over.
40
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 41
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, yes, I have to turn up
the radio when it s Bruce Springsteen or
Jim Morrison and yes, I will have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce
has his picture on the cover of Time mag-
azine and Newsweek the same day or
how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. I expect you to
act every time as if you re hearing this for
the first time.
41
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 42
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Because I m a guy, I will always think what
you re wearing is Fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, and
that either pair of shoes is fine, too. Fine,
fine, fine. Your hosiery is fine. Your lipstick
looks fine. Your earrings are fine. Now
leave me alone. I m watching the game.
42
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 43
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, I will share in the house-
work.You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning and the dishes. I ll do the rest.
43
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 44
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Because I m a guy, I will not volunteer to
call and arrange for a babysitter or to pick
up the babysitter.That is your responsibil-
ity. Whenever we come home after an
evening out, and because I am a guy, I will
allow you the privilege of driving the
babysitter back home.
44
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 45
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Because I m a guy, I will not call off sick
when one of our children is ill.That is your
responsibility. In addition, I will not, under
any circumstances, cancel a round of golf or
make a later tee time should you or one of
our children become ill.
45
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 46
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Because I m a guy, I do not believe in
going to the dry cleaners to drop off
and/or to pick up my shirts. That is your
responsibility. And because I am a guy, I
prefer to save money by having you wash
and iron my shirts.
46
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 47
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
All of these things I do solemnly swear, as
long as I shall remain a man.
47
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 48
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 49
Part Four:
Riddles of the Male Species
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Question: What is the difference
between men and women?
Answer: A woman wants one man to
satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 51
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: What s the best way to kill
a man?
Answer: Put a naked blonde and a
six-pack of beer in front of
him, then tell him he can
only have ONE.
51
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 52
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: How does a man keep
his youth?
Answer: By giving her money,
diamonds and luxury cars.
52
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 53
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: Why do men like BMWs?
Answer: They can spell it.
53
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 54
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: Why would women be bet-
ter off if men treated them
like cars?
Answer: At least then they would get
a little attention every six
months or 10,000 miles
whichever came first.
54
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 55
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: Why do men whistle when
they re sitting on the toilet?
Answer: Because it helps them
remember which end they
need to wipe.
55
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 56
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: How do you keep your hus-
band from reading your
e-mail?
Answer: Rename the mail folder
Instruction Manuals.
56
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 57
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: What s the difference
between a man and E.T.?
Answer: E.T. phoned home.
57
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 58
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: Why is food better than
a man?
Answer: Because you don t have to
wait an hour for seconds.
58
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 59
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: Why do men like frozen
dinners?
Answer: They like being able to both
eat and make love in less
than five minutes.
59
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 60
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: How are men like noodles?
Answer: They re always in hot water,
they lack taste and they
need dough.
60
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 61
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: Why are men like popcorn
and Chinese food?
Answer: They satisfy you, but only
for a little while.
61
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 62
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: Why are men like blenders?
Answer: You need one, but you re
not quite sure why.
62
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted
Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 63
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: How are men and spray
paint alike?
Answer: One squeeze and they re all
over you.
63
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 64
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Question: Why do so many women
fake orgasms?
Answer: Because so many men fake
foreplay.
64
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted
Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 65
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
Question: What is the difference
between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don t turn into men
when they drink.
65
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 66
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Parting Thought:
Diamonds are a girl s best friends.
Dogs are a man s best friends.
Which is the dumber sex?
66
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 67
Part Five:
Warning Labels and
Survival Tips
67
disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 68
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
He s Not the Relationship
Kind If:
Your telephone number is not pro-
grammed into his speed dial at his home
or office.
68
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 69
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
The pictures you gave him of yourself are
nowhere to be found in his apartment or
office. However, the beautiful photo
frames you also gave him are now housing
pictures of his boat,car and buddies.
69
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 70
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
You catch him singing the lyrics to
Shalimar s Second Time Around.
70
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 71
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
He sends his mother roses on her
birthday, but seems to forget that you
were even born.
71
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 72
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
He s having lunch regularly with your best
friend.
72
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 73
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
He invites you to a business conference or
staff party at your expense.
73
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 74
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
The man in the hotel lobby says,
Your usual room, Mr. ____?
74
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 75
hanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eveni
You find a bra in your bed and it
isn t yours.
75
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 76
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 77
& And now, here are the
survival tips
77
disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 78
nings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenc
Survival tip #1:
When you get up in the morning, do it
cautiously.The mood for the day is deter-
mined by the male in the house. If he
wakes up in a bad mood, step carefully.
Don t forget that you aren t permitted to
have mood swings yourself these will
always lead to PMS-bashing.
78
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Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Evenings Disenchanted Eve
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Survival tip #2:
Always be understanding but don t
expect HIM to understand anything, espe-
cially if it pertains to anything, well, emo-
tional. Call your best girlfriend before he
attempts to solve your problem.
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Survival tip #3:
Never confront a male about anything.This
will undoubtedly cause him to retreat into
his cave. However, should you need rest
and relaxation, a confrontation will do
the trick.
80
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Survival tip #4:
Always carry extra singles when going to
the airport.Your male companion will
likely announce, once you re there, that
he doesn t know whether or not to tip
the porter and he doesn t have change,
anyway. Deal with it.
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Survival tip #5:
Master the art of being able to see
through the refrigerator to be able to tell
whether your male companion has put the
milk carton back in empty. Chances are, he
has for the fortieth time. Learn to do
this with the freezer as well it s a safe bet
the ice cube trays are empty, too.
82
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Survival tip #6:
Take Clairvoyance 101 at your local adult
education center.You ll need this course to
be able to read his mind which you will
be expected to do ad nauseum.
83
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Survival tip #7:
Remember to apologize in advance for
everything that may happen in the course
of the day even though you will have
nothing to do with any of it. Chances are,
he ll blame you anyway. It couldn t possibly
be his fault.
84
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Survival tip #8:
Make your man think everything is his
idea.Then compliment him on a job
well done!
85
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Survival tip #9:
Suggest that your minister hold church
services on the 19th green. His attendance
will improve 100 percent.
86
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Survival tip #10:
Become well-versed in sports jargon.
Bookmark http://www.espn.com on your
computer.This will undoubtedly impress
him to no end.
87
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Survival tip #11:
Find a laundry service that uses extra
starch in his shirts.This will ensure sup-
port as the ego inflates the head.
88
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Survival tip #12:
Keep a running list of possible excuses
for why he couldn t be with your family
this time. Be sure not to use the same
one twice.
89
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Survival tip #13:
Always check your credit card statement
before complimenting him on those nice
flowers he sent you. He might have
charged them to you!
90
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Survival tip #14:
Never forget all the days that are special
to you. He ll expect you to remember
them because he cannot.
91
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Part Six:
Training Courses for Men
93
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Training Courses Now Available for Men
Introduction to Common
Household Objects,
Part I: The Mop
Introduction to Common Household
Objects, Part Two: The Sponge
Advanced Dressing Up:
Beyond Weddings and Funerals
Refrigerator Forensics:
Identifying and Removing Half-Eaten
Objects
Design Pattern or Splatter Stain?
You Can Tell the Difference
Trash Economics:
If It s Empty,You Can Throw It Away
94
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Accepting Loss:
If The Milk Has Expired, It Must
Be Removed
Supermarket Purchasing:
Not Just for Women and Not Just Beer
and Chips
Recycling 101:
Boxes That Electronics Came In
Advanced Recycling:
Styrofoam That Came in The Boxes
That Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette 101:
How to Remove Beard Clippings From
the Sink
95
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Bathroom Etiquette,
Intermediate Level:
Let s Wash Towels!
Advanced Bathroom Etiquette:
Five Easy Ways to Tell When You re Out
of Toilet Paper
Philanthropy 101:
How to Donate All of Those Old Clothes
You ve Been Keeping (and, for Heaven s
Sake, wearing). Note: Must complete the
required introductory course: Retro, or
Just Plain Hideous?
Romance:
More Than Just a Cable Channel
96
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Advanced Dining:
Beyond Pizza Hut
Film Criticism 101:
Movie Rentals Outside of the
Action/Adventure Category
Auto Mechanics 101:
Sometimes Empty Means Empty
Listening Skills:
Beyond Commercials and Half-time
Yours, Mine and Ours:
The Sharing of The Remote Control
97
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disenchanted layout 2 29 00 7:31 AM Page 99
Part Seven:
Hope For the Future
99
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Afterword
We hope you ve enjoyed our special insights into the
world of men. In the interest of fairness to our male
friends, we are currently working on a sequel aimed
at women called PMS Mornings.
If you have stories, jokes or short anecdotes you d
like to submit for this book, e-mail us at
barb@disenchantedevenings.com (Barb Ewing) or
maria@disenchantedevenings.com (Maria Sude) and
we ll contact you if we re interested.
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